Love Is A Verb

Have you ever heard of the seven stages of the married cold?

It’s one of those stories that’s been floating around for years, but it keeps coming back because it’s both funny and unfortunately true.[1]

In your 1st year of marriage, if your loving spouse gets sick, you say with all sincerity – “Oh, sweetie pie, I’m really worried about those nasty sniffles you have! There’s no telling what that could turn into with all the strep that’s been going around. I’m going to take you right down to the hospital and have you admitted for a couple days of rest. I know the food is lousy there, so I’m going to bring you takeout from your favorite restaurant. I’ve already arranged it with the head nurse.”

In your 2nd year of marriage, if your spouse gets sick, you still show much loving concern – “Listen, honey, I don’t like the sound of that cough. I called the doc and he’s going to stop by here and take a look at you. Why don’t you just go on to bed and get the rest you need?”

In the 3rd year, you say – “Maybe you better go lie down, darling. When you feel lousy you need the rest. I’ll bring you something.  Do we have any canned soup around here?”

By the 4th year, you say with love – “No sense wearing yourself out when you’re under the weather. When you finish those dishes and the kids’ baths and get them to bed, you ought to go to bed yourself!”

5th year – “Why don’t you take a couple aspirin?”

6th year – “You oughta go gargle or something, instead of sitting around barking like a dog!”

And by the 7th year, you turn to the love of your life and say – “For Pete’s sake, stop sneezing. Are you trying to give me pneumonia? You’d better pick up some tissues while you’re at the store.”

If this isn’t you and your spouse, odds are you probably know someone like this.  Most of us consider this to be the natural progression of a love relationship.  As we spend more and more time together, we tend to lose not only the fire and passion of our early days, but also that “other-centered” focus that is typical at the beginning.  But have you ever wished it wasn’t that way?  Have you ever wondered if you could rekindle that intimacy?  More time doesn’t have to equal less passion.   How we treat each other is a choice we make everyday.  It comes naturally at the beginning to be so “other-centered” because we are desperately trying to convince the other person we are worth putting in the time.  We are more sensitive, more thoughtful, and more willing to compromise.  It’s like those two gophers in the Warner Bros. cartoons who are so deferential to each other and so polite.  That’s how we act in a new relationship.  But once we have been together for a while all those things seem to fade.  And when the relationship starts to get a little dull around the edges, when it isn’t so sparkly new and shining bright, we tend to dump it instead of work on it. In our disposable lifestyles, we tend to have disposable relationships. 

Why do you think that is? 

Why are we willing to dump something just because it isn’t working the way we expect it too?[2]  Obviously, if you decide to get married, you don’t sit there with the intention it’s going to end.  Most people think of marriage as a lifelong commitment otherwise why bother?  Yet somehow, we chuck it all out the window pretty quickly.  Don’t get me wrong, there are DEFINITELY relationships that NEED to end.  There are times when staying together isn’t just unhealthy for us, but can be dangerous.  I’m not advocating for staying together no matter what, but instead to give things a chance before chucking it out the window.  Like anything worthwhile, a love that lasts a lifetime takes work and time and effort.  It may not be that fiery, passionate love we had at the beginning, but can become a love that nourishes us and envelopes us with security and hope.  And sometimes still with that fiery passion, too.  Andy Stanley put it succinctly, “Falling in love requires a pulse, but staying in love requires a plan.”  And guess what?  God has a plan.  In this letter to the church at Philippi, Paul is writing to them to give them encouragement to keep on growing in Christ.  Apparently, Paul had spent a lot of time in Philippi and now that he’s been thrown in prison, he’s worried that they’ll forget the lessons of Christ as they think about what will happen to them so he’s writing this to bolster their confidence and to remind them of how Christ would have them behave toward one another.  This model of behavior isn’t just for churches, but for our everyday lives and in our marriages as well and this is where we pick up in our Bible.

¹ Therefore if you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any common sharing in the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, ² then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and of one mind. ³ Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, ⁴ not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.

 ⁵ In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus:

 ⁶ Who, being in very natureGod,
   did not consider equality with God something to be used to his own advantage;
⁷ rather, he made himself nothing
   by taking the very nature of a servant,
   being made in human likeness.
⁸ And being found in appearance as a man,
   he humbled himself
   by becoming obedient to death—
      even death on a cross! – Philippians 2:1-8

This is God’s recipe for a healthy relationship.

Take equal parts humility and equal parts concern for others and mix it together and you have the perfect recipe.  Paul reminds us that even Jesus, Jesus who is by his nature God on Earth, even Jesus didn’t take advantage of who he was to make us bend to his will.  Instead, Jesus, the creator and most powerful person in the universe, took on the attitude of a servant because he wanted to model for us the kind of life we could live if we just listened to God.  God gives us these life lessons to make our lives better.  But it takes faith to do it.  Faith not only in God that what he says is true, but faith in one another.  It takes conscious effort.  It’s not something that comes naturally to us, so we have to actively do these things.  We have to actively act in humility, to think of our partner more than ourselves, to react not in haste but in kindness, to take the attitude of a servant.  To use another Andy quote, we have to learn to make love a verb.  Love is a choice we make every day and if we ignore that choice we will see the seven stages of the married cold become a reality in our relationships.  But if we DO actively choose to love one another, to think of them before ourselves, we can have the healthy, loving relationship we desire. 

There is always a gap between our expectations and our reality.

It’s how we fill that gap that makes all the difference in the world.  The most successful couples, the ones who report the most happiness, are the ones who fill that gap with the best of expectations.[3]  They believe the best about their spouses, even when they are wrong.  They CHOOSE to believe the best even though it’s likely not to be true.  It’s that positive attitude that ends up inspiring their significant other to become the best partner they can be and in turn give them the relationship they always hoped for.  There’s a book I’ve read that has some great ideas how you can put your spouse or significant other above yourself.  It’s called The Love Dare.  Some of you may have heard of it.  It was a big deal about ten years ago, but the lessons and suggestions it has are still relevant today.  But you don’t need a book to do this.  All you need is the willingness to put others’ needs before your own.  Think of how incredible of a world this would be if everyone thought of other people’s needs more than their own.  Challenge yourself this week to do something unexpected for those that you love.  Put their needs, their wants, and their desires above your own and see how that can brighten up their day.  In the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit.  Amen.

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[1] Found in different sermon illustrations and on the Internet.

[2] https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/living-single/201702/what-is-the-divorce-rate-really

[3] From Andy Stanley’s Staying In Love sermon series