The Hardest Word

There was no way I was going to apologize.

I was in 10^th grade and it was right before my English class was about to start.  That year we had Mr. Cox for a teacher.  A great guy with a reputation for being nice.  Not a pushover, but the kind of teacher you could talk to about anything. Maybe that’s why I felt freer to speak my mind.  Mr. Cox had arranged the chairs in our classroom in a semi-circle, three rows deep.  I sat in the front row with Quincy, Bryan, and five other students.  A few of us were talking before the bell rang and I was resting my foot on Bryan’s chair.  Out of nowhere, Bryan comes rushing up to me and with a snarl in his voice tells me to get my foot off…or else!  You’d probably never guess Bryan was one of my best friends.  Especially not if you saw that exchange.  I was pretty taken aback, but my foot stayed right where it was.  “Are you kidding me?” I said incredulously.  “You put your foot on my chair all the time!”  He stood toe-to-toe with me and just said, “Well, I don’t want your dirty foot on my chair.”  So now, I definitely wasn’t going to move it.  Not if you paid me.  But then Mr. Cox called me over to his desk.  Taking my foot off the chair wasn’t submission, it was a necessity, so I went over to Mr. Cox’s desk as instructed.  He said, “I want you to apologize.”  For the second time in about two minutes, I was shocked (as only a teenager can be).  “No way!” I told him.  “He does that to me all the time and I never go crazy like he did.”  After going back and forth, Mr. Cox finally just looked at me and said, “Apologize or I’ll have to send you to the office.”  To say I was headstrong as a teenager is probably an understatement, so it came as no surprise (to myself anyway) when I said, “Fine, send me to the office.”  I don’t know if thought I was being some kind of hero, but I wasn’t about to cave when I sat in the seat of righteousness!  Mr. Cox just gave in.  He shook his head in frustration (apparently, he was bluffing) and he said, “Craig, would you please just go and apologize?  Sometimes you just have to be the bigger man.”  I hate when teachers do that.  Appeal to my vanity.  I guess he figured if I was sitting in the seat of righteousness, he should take full advantage of it.  I mumbled, “I hate being the bigger man.”  And I went over and apologized to Bryan.  I never did find out what in the world got into him that day, but I did learn an important lesson.  Apologies don’t make you weak.  They make you strong. 

Our pride is what makes us weak.

I’m not talking about the kind of pride you have when achieve a personal milestone or the kind of pride you have for your children. I’m talking about the kind of pride that elevates us at the cost of others.  And it’s certainly not the kind of life God wants us to live. God not only wants us to have a relationship with him, but with one another, too.  That’s why Jesus told us the greatest commandment was to love the Lord your God, but the second was like it –  to love our neighbor.  Jesus goes out of his way to bring together those who society had largely ignored – women, children, foreigners, and Gentiles.  He even reached out to those reviled by the rest like tax collectors and prostitutes.  Jesus wanted his love to reach everyone, but he knew our pride would get in the way.  Our inability to humble ourselves, our unwillingness to compromise, our lack of empathy or compassion stops us from repairing our broken relationships or starting them in the first place.  I believe that’s why he said what he did in our passage this morning. 

²³ “Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother or sister has something against you, ²⁴ leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to them; then come and offer your gift.

²⁵ “Settle matters quickly with your adversary who is taking you to court. Do it while you are still together on the way, or your adversary may hand you over to the judge, and the judge may hand you over to the officer, and you may be thrown into prison. ²⁶ Truly I tell you, you will not get out until you have paid the last penny. – Matthew 5:23-26

Don’t even bother coming to worship.

I’m not saying that.  God’s saying that.  If we can’t settle our conflicts, we shouldn’t come to church.  It’s not a punishment or judgment; that’s just how important reconciliation is to God.  Especially in Jewish society at the time, worship was the most important part of both our faith and society.  But God would rather we skip worship if it means we could mend fences with someone.  This idea of repentance and reconciliation was so important that God sent Jesus into the world.  When Jesus talks about us needing to settle matters quickly or we may be thrown into prison, he doesn’t mean a literal prison (although I guess that is a possibility).  He’s talking about a prison of our own making.  We become trapped by bitterness, anger, hurt and all sorts of negative emotions and it gets in the way of us becoming our best selves and gets in the way of our relationship with God. We build our own prisons from these feelings and emotions that trap us.

What’s insidious is we often think we’re okay, but eventually these prisons hurt us.

When people have a broken relationship, it affects everyone around them.  I was listening to the podcast, This American Life and they told a story about two brothers who hadn’t seen each other in decades.  Literally decades.  It had been 20 years since their mother’s death, and even then they got into an argument over funeral arrangements. They were so out of touch that the wife of one of the brothers died and the other didn’t find out for years after it happened. It had been nearly 40 years they had anything resembling a relationship, but listening to their story, they both craved one.  Their anger and their pride got in way and they missed out on so much time they could have had together.  When one of their sons was finally able to get these two brothers together, they found out they had been mad for all the wrong reasons.  The assumptions they made during those 40 years were based on fiction instead of fact. To think they missed out on so much time together because of a false assumption.  If they had only made steps to apologize to one another, maybe this all could have been avoided.

But we are taught that apologies make us weak.

Reconciliation is not as important as being RIGHT!  Even if we’re not right.  I don’t know about you, but one of the first things my dad taught me when he was teaching me how to drive was to never say you were sorry.  If you got in an accident, you needed to be careful NOT to apologize because it was the same as saying you were wrong and even if you WERE wrong, you shouldn’t say it. He was worried (and rightly so at the time) that saying “sorry” was the equivalent as admitting guilt and if the other person decided to sue you for injury or damages to the car or whatever, you would automatically lose.  But that’s no longer true.  In the year 2000, the state of California introduced Evidence Code 1160 which says, “The portion of statements, writings or benevolent gestures expressing sympathy or a general sense of benevolence… shall be inadmissible as evidence of an admission of liability in a civil action.”[1]  What studies have shown is when people sincerely apologize to someone else, it results in “faster settlements and lower demand for damages.”[2]  Which flies in the face of what you would think would happen.  If someone was accepting responsibility, doesn’t that mean they are admitting guilt?  Wouldn’t that make them targets for bigger settlements?  But most people are not looking for money.  They are looking for reconciliation.  They take money and property out of anger and a sense of justice, but when the other person seeks to make things right, that often softens our hearts and we are much more willing to let our anger go.  Because of such research 38 states (as of 2021) introduced some form of “apology law” into their statutes.[3]

Of course, there are right ways and wrong ways of offering an apology.

Nobody wants the “sorry, not sorry” approach.  “I’m sorry you’re such a loser” is obviously a bad way to begin.  “I’m sorry you can’t take a joke,” is another.  But it doesn’t even have to be that blatant. “I’m sorry you took it the wrong way,” SEEMS like an apology but it’s not because it puts the blame squarely on the other person.  The best way to offer a sincere apology is following these three steps: Regret, Responsibility, Remedy.[4]  Offer regret for causing harm.  Accept responsibility for what happened.  And then offer a remedy.  Whether it’s your fault or not is sometimes unimportant.  Acknowledging someone’s pain and hurt though is very important.  It shows empathy.  And when you apologize, be specific about it when you can.  It again shows empathy and understanding at the same time.  Then accept responsibility.  Dr. Liane Davey suggested erring on the side of MORE responsibility instead of less.  She gave a workplace example of saying, “I’m sorry the traffic was bad. I probably shouldn’t have scheduled a meeting for this time.”[5]  Like YOU caused the traffic.  But there’s truth in her statement.  Had the meeting been scheduled at a different time, maybe there would have been less traffic.  More importantly, it lets the other person know you understand.  Finally, offer a remedy.  “I’ll be more aware of your feelings.”  “I will take that into account next time.”  “I’ll be more careful.”  Even simple remedies are meaningful.  Dr. Davey even suggests that we should at times apologize even if it isn’t our fault.  She even gave an example, “[I]f a teammate walks over to you in the cafeteria, flops himself down and regales you with a story about a really rough meeting that morning, it can be very valuable to take a moment to say ‘I’m sorry you had such a tough meeting.’  The research shows that this superfluous apology triggers something different and more beneficial than if you simply acknowledge the adverse event with a comment like ‘Wow. You had a tough meeting.’”[6] 

We are creatures of community.

So, when there’s a rift in that community, it hurts all of us in one way or another.  That’s why it’s so important for us to find ways to fix those rifts. To find a way to reconcile as soon as possible.  Is there anyone in your life you need to reconcile with?  Are there people you have caused harm to?  Pray about it this week.  Think about those you may have hurt and pray about offering them an apology.  Apologies don’t make us weak, they make us strong because they repair the rifts in our lives that cause us pain. Repentance leads to reconciliation, redemption, and renewal. A simple apology can lead to healing, which can lead to redemption of our relationships and a renewal of faith in God and in one another.  Whether or not they accept your apology is another thing, but one that is completely out of your hands.  Don’t let that get in the way of doing what YOU need to do. God thinks it’s so important he would rather you skip worship to make this happen.  If I don’t see you next week, I’ll know why. 

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[1] http://www.neildymott.com/apologizeor-not

[2] https://www.strategy-business.com/article/10411a?gko=07cd6

[3] “When and Where to Say “I’m Sorry,” February 16, 2021.

[4] https://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200207/the-power-apology

[5] https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/making-your-team-work/201403/the-value-saying-im-sorry

[6] Ibid